I have decided to write about heartbreaks.
About my heartbreak, actually.
Why, you might ask?
Well, have you ever shaken a can of coke and then opened it? It will explode and spill the drink everywhere and not stop bubbling and spilling over for quite a while. That’s how I feel sometimes. There are so many things inside me that want to get out but sometimes it’s not easy to open your mouth and talk about them. That’s what I have you for. Even though we don’t know each other, I know that you’re always there for me and stand behind me, no matter what. That knowledge feels good. And apart from that I really hope that some of you aren’t annoyed by those splashes of coke, but that they make you feel good too. By which I don’t mean actual coke of course (ugh, gross!), but the things I say…
For many months I couldn’t really talk about the topic. But now I feel like I’m at a point at which I’m completely over it and can speak to you. I was heartbroken. And I feel like that word doesn’t really describe the feeling, because for me it felt more like my life was over. I didn’t know what to do with myself, and I didn’t know how to live without that one person. Being heartbroken doesn’t mean that you’re a bit sad because you’re not together anymore. Being heartbroken can mean that you lose all your joie de vivre, don’t know why you should continue living at all. It can mean that instead of studying you spend hours and hours stalking a Whatsapp-status. It can mean that a fit, healthy and happy person starts getting panic attacks and insomnia. Your body goes crazy with pain in the chest and breathing difficulties. Yes, heartbreaks can be pretty bad.
This stage can take quite long, too. But at some point you will come to a point when you ask yourself why you’re stuck. If it helps or why you’re doing this. Up until this point I had talked to friends and my parents a lot, but I never took anything they said too seriously. But then suddenly I asked myself – why not?
I got to a point when I told myself that I can’t continue the way it’s going. I had had enough. The night I realised that I took off by myself and went to see a musical. Afterwards I had a glass of wine in a bar – all on my own. It wasn’t the best night of all, but it was way better than crying in my room. One night out turned into many nights out. At some point I was even brave enough to see friends. To invite my best friend over. To eat out with other people. I got more spontaneous, said yes to everything. In between I trained. A LOT. I went to the gym in the mornings and after uni. I made sure to fill every space of the day to distract myself. The most important thing was to not be in my room on my own. First it was forced rebellion against that bad feeling inside myself. Later it actually got nice.
Seeing people at the gym, sweating and being sore every day and the proud feeling after a good session. The amazing food. The talks whilst enjoying that food. Other people, their stories. Laughs. As I said, it was only distraction at first. But soon it turned into a new attitude towards life. Suddenly I didn’t want to sit in my room on my own anymore, but I wanted to see and do these things. Talk and laugh. Live.
Are you still asking yourself why this blogpost is called “Heartbreaks are expensive”? Well, that was kind of my quote which I used to explain my current situation. I wanted to do, see and live so much and so fully, but most of these things were associated with expensive tickets, trips and food. But I didn’t mind. It all turned into something beautiful and that was definitely worth it.
And one last thing before I finish: coincidentally I wrote a few words on this topic last night. I’ve never shared one of my poems here before, but this time it just fits too well. I hope you get it…
Cold and sharp,
Until the first light tiptoes in.
a play of colours
So cold at the beginning
now wonders that we share.
If you are feeling the same way I did – make sure that you take all those broken pieces and but them together into beautiful little wonders. I believe in you!