Heartbreaks are expensive

I have decided to write about heartbreaks.

About my heartbreak, actually.

Why, you might ask?

Well, have you ever shaken a can of coke and then opened it? It will explode and spill the drink everywhere and not stop bubbling and spilling over for quite a while. That’s how I feel sometimes. There are so many things inside me that want to get out but sometimes it’s not easy to open your mouth and talk about them. That’s what I have you for. Even though we don’t know each other, I know that you’re always there for me and stand behind me, no matter what. That knowledge feels good. And apart from that I really hope that some of you aren’t annoyed by those splashes of coke, but that they make you feel good too. By which I don’t mean actual coke of course (ugh, gross!), but the things I say…

Liebeskummer Meer

For many months I couldn’t really talk about the topic. But now I feel like I’m at a point at which I’m completely over it and can speak to you. I was heartbroken. And I feel like that word doesn’t really describe the feeling, because for me it felt more like my life was over. I didn’t know what to do with myself, and I didn’t know how to live without that one person. Being heartbroken doesn’t mean that you’re a bit sad because you’re not together anymore. Being heartbroken can mean that you lose all your joie de vivre, don’t know why you should continue living at all. It can mean that instead of studying you spend hours and hours stalking a Whatsapp-status. It can mean that a fit, healthy and happy person starts getting panic attacks and insomnia. Your body goes crazy with pain in the chest and breathing difficulties. Yes, heartbreaks can be pretty bad.

This stage can take quite long, too. But at some point you will come to a point when you ask yourself why you’re stuck. If it helps or why you’re doing this. Up until this point I had talked to friends and my parents a lot, but I never took anything they said too seriously. But then suddenly I asked myself – why not?

I got to a point when I told myself that I can’t continue the way it’s going. I had had enough. The night I realised that I took off by myself and went to see a musical. Afterwards I had a glass of wine in a bar – all on my own. It wasn’t the best night of all, but it was way better than crying in my room. One night out turned into many nights out. At some point I was even brave enough to see friends. To invite my best friend over. To eat out with other people. I got more spontaneous, said yes to everything. In between I trained. A LOT. I went to the gym in the mornings and after uni. I made sure to fill every space of the day to distract myself. The most important thing was to not be in my room on my own. First it was forced rebellion against that bad feeling inside myself. Later it actually got nice.

 

Love Sick

Seeing people at the gym, sweating and being sore every day and the proud feeling after a good session. The amazing food. The talks whilst enjoying that food. Other people, their stories. Laughs. As I said, it was only distraction at first. But soon it turned into a new attitude towards life. Suddenly I didn’t want to sit in my room on my own anymore, but I wanted to see and do these things. Talk and laugh. Live.

Are you still asking yourself why this blogpost is called “Heartbreaks are expensive”? Well, that was kind of my quote which I used to explain my current situation. I wanted to do, see and live so much and so fully, but most of these things were associated with expensive tickets, trips and food. But I didn’t mind. It all turned into something beautiful and that was definitely worth it.

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And one last thing before I finish: coincidentally I wrote a few words on this topic last night. I’ve never shared one of my poems here before, but this time it just fits too well. I hope you get it…

Cold and sharp,
broken pieces.
Until the first light tiptoes in.
a mandala 
a hologram
a play of colours 
a carousel
So cold at the beginning
now wonders that we share.

If you are feeling the same way I did – make sure that you take all those broken pieces and but them together into beautiful little wonders. I believe in you!

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9 Comments

  1. Avilene Cueto
    07/09/2016 / 05:35

    Hello Lottie! I am so happy that I came across your instagram a while back. I soon followed you on snap chat too. I am currently going through a heartbreak. Yesterday my LDR from UK decided that he couldn’t take the distance anymore and not being able to be together physically, so he said we should stop seeing each other romantically. Long story short, we decided to give it a try at staying friends. I feel exactly as you mentioned….my chest is tight, breathing is hard, and I just don’t know what to do with myself. We just broke up last night, so literally it is new. I am so happy that we are still talking to each other, but it still hurts knowing that we love each other but can’t be together physically because I live in the US and he in the UK.

    It brightens my day to see your snap chats! You are such a beautiful person and such a happy person…you are truly an inspiration!

  2. Lisa
    04/09/2016 / 16:39

    I loved this post about heartaches, girl! I’m so glad you found yourself, your joy and your smile again and hope you’ll never have to feel this way again! Love you Lottie and hope to see you some time soon!💜 have fun in Berlin

  3. Leonora
    01/09/2016 / 00:06

    Your poem really got to me. Thank you so much for sharing, and definitely share more of your writing if you’re confident enough, because you have a way with words that touches the soul <3

  4. collegeceliackc
    31/08/2016 / 03:43

    I definitely had no idea how painful heartbreak actually was until my boyfriend and I broke up last semester. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come, and I definitely still have a little ways to go, but I’m focusing on the freedom, the adventure, the uncertainty and everything in between. Heartbreaks are freakin’ expensive, but I know the recovery will be priceless :)

  5. 30/08/2016 / 15:01

    ❤️ It always takes time to adjust to a new ‘normal’ but it is wonderful that you have been able to enjoy your experiences whilst travelling and make that adjustment in the process xx

  6. Bernarda
    30/08/2016 / 14:07

    ❤ sending a lot of love. And belive me is even worse if you brake up with someone. The first thing after I broke up was buy a ticket to Barcelona. I felt so free finally and even if week after was terrible and I was in such a mess and thought I made terrible decission. I think that feeling of freedom and happiness was telling me that I made perfect decission. Sometimes you need to let things if they are bot working even if you think it will be the end of the world.

    • Bernarda
      30/08/2016 / 14:09

      I know there are some mistakes in my writing but I just wanted to share this with you asap 😅